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Why you are still single (1)
Running the spouse connect platform of Relationship Check has exposed me to a lot of singles. Some spouse-connect forms come with expectations that make me wonder if finding a match will ever be possible. I have learned that the reason why some people are single is not because there is no man or woman to marry but because a lot of singles lack the knack to attract a potential spouse.
One of the questions contained in our spouse connect form is this, “describe yourself in a minimum of one hundred words”. I get the form returned most of the time with three adjectives in response to the question, “I am beautiful, easygoing and kind”. Such responses leave me wondering, does this person think we are joking or does he/she not know how to sell him/herself? Another question on our spouse connect form is “what qualities are you looking for in a spouse”? And we get responses like “I am looking for someone who will love me for me” from the same people who cannot describe themselves in a hundred words. I believe we will have a fewer number of single people when singles realize that not having someone at the moment is a lesser problem than not having something to express to a potential spouse that proves you worthy to be fallen in love with.
Another reason why you are still single is because you are yet to find something you are good at. Have you ever wondered why guys in the church are always having a life partner vision about the beautiful ladies who sing like an angel? It is because our greatest moment of admiration is at the place of purpose fulfillment. When you find what you love to do, people will want you because there is something concerning you to be proud about.
Our early exposure to Mills and Boom is another major challenge. The aftermath of our exposures to all sorts of erotic stories is that these stories leave us believing in love at first sight. These stories erroneously paint the picture of a handsome man as tall, dark and broad-chested, and the picture of a beautiful woman as slim, tall and long-haired. These stories make us believe that there is one unique person in the world that God has specially created for you and the moment you set eyes on this special person you will fall in love immediately. Trust me na lie! If this were to be true there will be fewer cases of infidelity in the world. Please confirm this from any married person; however perfect your spouse is or in love you are with your spouse you will need grace and discipline not to get emotionally involved with someone else. Does this mean your spouse has seized to be special? No. It only means that there are several people in the world who possess very similar attributes as your spouse and each time you meet such people you get naturally inclined to like them. God has created us in a way such that we attract and are more emotionally disposed to certain people. So, if you have been turning down the good people you like because you are waiting for the one you will love instantly, you now know why you are still single.
An unrealistic expectation is another major reason why so many people are single. A forty-year-old man is looking for a twenty-two-year-old potential spouse. A pepper seller wants a Doctor. A jobless woman wants a very spiritual man but who works for an oil and gas company. Are you looking for a spouse or trying to catch up with some fantasy you have had for a long time?
Some sisters have waited for so long for a spouse and have unconsciously become desperate. If you have only known a man for one month and you are already offering dry-cleaning and chef services on the weekend, monitoring his every move like his mother and saying yes to all his stupidities in the bid not to offend him, you are one of the desperados I am talking about. Please find and read the book “Why men love bitches” by Sherry Argov.
I do not perceive the situation of matured singles as funny. But I am concerned when the only reality about matured singles is that they are in need of a spouse. I say this every day, good men are looking for wives just as good women are looking for husbands. You need to make yourself available to be found and at the same time make the best of what comes around you. This topic is inexhaustible in one broadcast. Let us continue the discussion next week.
Written by certified relationship coach, Bosun Bankole, #RelationshipCheck is a weekly column published every Wednesday on TopNaija.ng. For further questions or enquiries, please tweet @Bosun_Bankole or send an email to [email protected].
